Who Am I (Place #3)

It's hot. Summer has finally arrived. It is Wednesday, July 6th, 5:50 p.m. I'm sitting under my tree and wishing that the mountains to my east that are still covered in snow mind you, would send some of that cool air my way. Today is the first day, to me, that it felt like a Utah summer day. I mean, Snowbird (snowboarding/ski resort) didn't even close til yesterday. The 4th was the last day it was open. It is never open that late because Utah's weather quickly changes from winter to summer. This year is the first year in a long time that we have actually had a spring. I was grateful.

I'm sitting under this tree in high 90 degree weather wondering to myself, who am I?

I came to Utah for three reasons: to write, spend to spend as much time in the mountains and nature in general as possible and to see friends and family. I feel that I am always behind on the first and unable to write about the things that I wanted to write about in the first place. If it wasn't for this class I wouldn't see the outside of my office building or my house. And because of my job and my classes my family and friends are wondering why I even came back to Utah in the first place. On the plus side, I was given a raise and more hours:/

The sun at my back, warming it. I stare across the field onto the baseball fields--there are games going on. There are always games going on. There are games of Ultimate Frisbee going on as well. I wonder if people are watching me the way that I am watching them. I wonder if they feel sorry for me because I am all alone, without a team. Just me and my thoughts. I like being alone with my thoughts...most of the time.

Casey asked me the other day if I was going to move back to Utah after grad school. I told him I didn't know. He then asked me if I wasn't going to come back to Utah because I would feel like I failed. I told him no. There are many reasons why I would love to come back to Utah, the main reasons being: my family/friends, the geography, the weather/seasons and it feels like home to me. At least it used to. The reasons that I wouldn't want to move back to Utah: because it feels small to me now, if I ever want to get married I couldn't live here because I have dated everyone here (at least that's how it feels) and I don't know if my writing would flourish here. I feel more confused than ever and I hate admitting that at 29.

When I am in Pittsburgh I feel that I am free to be me or at least who I think that I am. I feel that I do not have to be fake or walk on egg shells with what I am saying or believing. When I come back to Utah I have to watch what I say because this person is friends with this person and blah blah blah. I feel that I am constantly telling my family that I do not love them any less because of my beliefs. I want to please everyone, including myself, and I feel that I am failing miserably at times.

I just want to figure out who I am and what I want once and for all so that way I will not be swayed or pulled in directions that I don't want to go. I feel that I should have had this figured out before now, but I guess now is as good a time as any. I want to be firm as my mountains. They are beautifully solid.

I will become a mountain.