It's Raining. It's Pouring. (Place #2)

So this is what happens when you decide to procrastinate the day of your blog entry. The day is filled with monsoon like rains. Yes, it's true. I decided to go to my place on Father's Day because I don't live near my father and I don't really celebrate it. Instead, I decided to go to the park before meeting my friends for brunch. Needless to say it was a good thing that I didn't shower beforehand.

Sadly, this might be the only time during the summer that I will have the park, at least my section of it, to myself.

The rain when I began my place meditation was more of a light drizzle. Utah, is not known for its rain. Usually if it rains during the summer months it only lasts for minutes. Today was an exception to the rule and I can hear the feint prayers of gratitude for the moisture with every drop that hits the ground.

I love the smell of the earth when it is wet. Actually, I love the smell of the earth as it begins to receive its gift from the heavens. The smell automatically makes me want to dig around the roots of the tree I'm sitting under for a small rock to suck on. When I was young growing up in Small Town, Idaho I would always suck on rocks in weather like this. The rain would bounce off of the red sand that cradled the road. The smell of the sand beginning to make clay mixed with the hot steam coming off of the road is the most enticing smell to me. I would stop and find a nicely sand coated rock and stick it in my mouth. When the flavor was gone I would throw the rock on the ground sprinkle sand on top of it and place it back on my tongue where it belonged.

As I sit underneath my tree and smell the freshly moistened grass and leaves and soil I smile. It is the first time I am genuinely happy this week. I am happy because I was able to focus my attention onto something else besides the present. This has been a rough couple of months for me filed with everything including a clichéd broken heart. The broken heart followed me from Pennsylvania and has been a constant companion wherever I go. Today was the first day, I feel, that I was able to not think about for at least a good five minutes. That, pathetic as it may seem, is five more minutes than I had yesterday.

The rain is starting to pour now. I can hear the birds, I wish I knew what kind of birds they were, up above me gossiping away. I wonder if they think that I am ridiculous for being outside when I could be inside a warm house. Maybe they are chastising me like my own mother would be doing if she saw me right now without a jacket on, only a hoodie to keep me warm. I envision them telling me that I'm going to catch a cold. Using me as an example for their own children as what not to do.

As I begin to walk home from the park, I take my hoodie off of my head and just let the cold rain hit me. I stand in the middle of the field whispering my own thanks for the moisture that we are receiving, but more than that I am thanking Him for giving me those precious five minutes. Those precious five minutes that I was able to experience out in the open.

I am coughing now, but I am smiling.

There Is No Place Like Home (Prompt #1)

When Brandon told me that he was gay I thought my life was over. I loved him. He loved me as well, just not the way that I wanted or needed. I was 18. I didn't handle it very well.

This past week Brandon and I were watching our daily dose of Will and Grace, when, yet again, it was reinforced how much we are like these infamous TV characters. The episode in particular that we watched, ironically, was the episode where Will came out to Grace, and she didn't handle it at all. Fortunately for Brandon and I, there was forgiveness on both of our parts and we have been friends for over 14 years now. Wherever Brandon is, is where I feel my home is.

Actually, wherever Brandon and his fiance Casey are, is where my home is. They are like the happy parents that I never had growing up. My mom and dad divorced when I was two. According to a therapist I saw on TV (it was free leave me alone) the reason none of my relationships have lasted past two years is because of my parents divorce. Because I know that, I should be able to move past it. Brandon and Casey recently celebrated their eight year anniversary. I tell them all of the time that they cannot split up because I would be devastated. It would be a divorce that I would remember.

My mom is my best friend. Brandon is my best friend. I tell each of them things that I would never tell the other person. Wherever my mom is, is where I feel my home is.

My mom raised her six children by herself. She is a saint and did the best she could with what she had and then proceeded to do even more. She has taught me what it means to unconditionally love someone. She has taught me the true meaning of Christ-like love. She has taught me how to love everyone for who they are. She has taught me the true meaning of family. My family is very close.

I have two families. My biological family and my family which is made up of my dear friends.

Luckily, Bran and Case live in Utah, approximately 25 minutes away from my mom. I don't know what I would do if Bran and Case ever moved. Although my mom's house is my touchstone, Case and Bran are my home. They are my guts, they are my insides. Plus, they have a guest bedroom for me to stay in when I am home:)

I have lived in Utah, before I moved to Pittsburgh for grad school, for roughly 22 years. I have grown up with Great Salt Lake to the west of me and fun hikes through the Wasatch Mountains mere minutes to the East of me. Utah's religion/religious culture is a direct result of the geography. When Brigham Young, 2nd prophet of the LDS church said, "This is the place" when gazing down upon the Salt Lake Valley, the Mormons believed that this was the place God had set apart for them. In the King James Version of the Bible in Matthew 5:14-16 it says, "Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid. Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.

Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven." If you have ever been to Salt Lake City, or even just Utah in general, you would be amazed by the beauty of the landscapes, but also by how clean the city is. There is a pride in the cleanliness of the city. It is one of the reasons why I love the city. Unfortunately, there is also--at times--an air of holier-than-thou-ness the resides over the city, like the inversion (smog). Although, I believe that the religion teaches to love everyone, I feel that the culture breeds more of keeping those not of the religion to be outsiders. It is very sad and disheartening.

I want to take a look more closely at the geography of Utah and see if there is a way that I can utilize it to help me turn the culture on it's ear. I love Utah, it is my home state. It is what I know. It is home to my homes. It shows love to my mom and otherness to my friends. I need it to love and house them both.

My Spot (Place Entry #1)

Brandon, is my very best friend in the entire world. We have been friends since the first time he rejected me; I was 16. I am turning 30 this September and cannot believe the ride our relationship has been on. I am so grateful for his love and support...especially this summer. He and his boyfriend of eight years, Casey, are letting me stay with them in their beautiful condo. They have an English Cockerspaniel, Serena, who is a diva. So many divas under one roof:)

Brandon and Casey have lived in this condo for 5 of those years I believe. It is located in Holladay, which is still considered Salt Lake City. I have been to this condo, stayed at this condo and even house sat this condo a lot during those 5 years. In order to do all of those things I had to drive past Big Cottonwood Regional Park, which is actually just across the street. It is a good sized park, with 4 softball fields, soccer fields, a volleyball court, a large pavilion and much more. Even though this park is so beautiful I would have never known had it not been for Serena. I went to take her for a walk at the park and fell in love.

Before I took Serena on this serendipitous walk, my plan was to venture up to the nearby mountains and find a spot there, or even Sugar House park, which has been "my" park forever. However, lack of car (still trying to find the right one to purchase) made those plans basically impossible.

I took Serena out for a walk because I needed to clear my head. So much has been happening in such a short period of time. I had reached a breaking point, where I didn't want to think anymore, or feel anymore. Unfortunately those things don't really happen when you are walking alone with a dog and no Ipod to even keep your brain busy. I made her walk forever on pavement, avoiding the park at all costs. I just didn't want to go in there. I didn't want to feel and I knew if I went in there I would feel something.

I was right.

I felt so bad for making Serena walk where I wanted to walk and was worried about her little paws that I gave in and took her to the park on our way back home. I took her off her leash and she let loose. She would run about 100 feet and then stop, look at me and smile, and then take off running again. She was so happy and I couldn't help, but laugh at this wonderful display of pure joy.

I decided to walk on the outskirts of the park where there was a hint of a trail. It was so calm and peaceful on that "trail". There were some soccer games going on, but I could barely hear them. I was focused on the trees and the green grass. I was focused on a dog that was sliding on her back down the hill. It was fantastic.

This park will be my spot. This is where I will come to ponder and meditate. To release any negativity and find the positivity. This is where I will find some pieces of me that I feel I have either misplaced or perhaps have been mistreated by someone. It is my job to find them and put them together in a new way.

This place will help me to do that.

Mentor

“If you know wilderness in the way that you know love, you would be unwilling to let it go. We are talking about the body of the beloved, not real estate.” Terry Tempest Williams